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Spray-on Condoms

condom-sprayAs a kind of follow-up to my Sex and Social Networking post last week, I thought I’d give a mention to the ludicrous idea of spray-on condoms highlighted, in lurid yellow on Geeks are Sexy this week.

This supposedly original idea of applying Latex in spray-on form looks like an April Fool’s joke. First off, it’s not a new idea, especially given the range of colours the inventor is working with. I have heard of several patent applications for similar approaches to contraception and safer sex over the years, they even get a mention in Ben Elton’s book This Other Eden. The idea is fatally flawed on several fronts.

In the heat of passion, I suspect that producing a laboratory-standard uniform layer with no weak points will be impossible and therefore make the device ineffective. However, entanglement of the material with pubic hair would also be a serious issue at the time of desheathing. It’s bad enough removing a band-aid from a grazed knee, but this has the potential to cause much worse pain.

I assume that the process will be safety tested before it is made commercially available, but there are certain characteristics of an aerosol spray that could not be avoided. Primarily, the sprayer and teh sprayee are liable to be breathing more heavily than usual, to have slightly raised blood pressure, and perhaps be open mouthed. The last thing you would want to be near in such circumstances is close to airborne Latex – think potential inhalation, anaphylactic shock and risk of death.

Such a spray would almost certainly be designed for external use only, and yet the organ destined to be coated not only has delicate surface tissues, but an aperture through which particles and carrier solvent might enter. Penile contact dermatitis anyone? Didn’t think so!

And, speaking of solvents, presumably there will be a carrier solvent in which the Latex will be suspended and transported from spraycan to the surface to be coated. The phrase latent heat of evaporation comes to mind and its attendant rapid chilling effect, so there is also potential for frost-bite or at best stinging pain.

There is perhaps one advantage not noted for this approach to condom application, which may benefit some and that is to do with the issue of size becoming irrelevant…no need to distinguish big, large, or extra large, unless, of course, you run out of spray attempting to get 100% coverage.

One more issue. As you can see from the photo of the inventor creating a condom-shaped mess, the process of applying a spray-on condom does not look like a particularly neat and tidy one. If you have ever had difficulty explaining lipstick on your collar, then you will definitely struggle to explain a lurid yellow smear of rubber on your underwear. It almost makes abstinence seem like a viable option.

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